Scroll of Jawns (Episode 5)

jawn /jôn/ noun - (chiefly in the greater Philadelphia metropolitan area) used to refer to a thing, place, person, or event that one need not or cannot give a specific name to. Jawn is a neutral, all-purpose noun used to reference any person, place, situation, or object. In casual conversation, it takes the place of the word ‘thing’.

Example: “Joy to the jawns in the deep blue sea, joy to you and me.”

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jawn one.

It’s almost as if my depression, when it shows, strips me of all my protective mechanisms. I become riddled with self-doubt. I look at my own face, my own skin and I get bitch-slapped sharp across the cheek: once by failure, again by disappointment. Inspiration goes negative; it drains my energy reserves to even try and recall what it was like- once upon a time- to feel inspired. Then the voice in my head doubles down and begins to turn the lights off. It’s the middle of business hours, yet, I roll down the metal gates. At that point a few weeks ago I made the phone call/ my emergency appointment/ got pretty lucky/ got in the next day. Now I have a new drug combo. It’s my third or fourth switcheroo this year. Jesus. It staggers me to admit that, but here’s the thing: it was enough to flick the switch back on. For reasons of pride or whatever I’m never all that comfortable admitting to myself that meds are likely necessary for my mental health. It just irks me. I want to believe that diet and exercise and self-help books and therapy will all be enough, but they aren’t for me. They do make a difference, for sure, but I know what I know.

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