Part nights backstage when there was only three people in the bar but we still had to go out there.... Eh, speaking as one of the likely three, thank you. Because whatever words we exchanged no doubt helped me right my own ship.
Hey, my man. I’m taking my place in that line of folks who are gonna tell you all the good things. You’re not alone. People are pulling for you. Family, friends, we familiar strangers out here who look forward to your weekly writings/musings/confessions; our weekly communication. Bravo for seeking help. Not enough people do. Maybe they think “well, doesn’t everybody feel like this?” Or maybe they’re ashamed. Or maybe they’re frozen on their anxiety. I’ve been all three places. I’ve blocked anxiety and self-esteem by keeping busybusybusy. Maybe I still am. Looking for validation. “You have to love yourself first”. Right? I don’t even know what that means. I mean, I guess I understand the concept, but… I dunno, maybe that’s part of my fuckedupness. My own abandonment issues loom large in my legend. Years in therapy and a latent ability to self-analyze brought me to that conclusion. But knowing the root doesn’t magically fix everything, does it? Just takes up more space in a cobwebby corner. So, I’m rambling, as I do. Hoping maybe you’ll feel a little less alone with your stuff. Commiserating. I dunno. Kindred-spiriting. Hope yesterday went well for you. Hope today’s going better.
Just remember you’re not alone. It’s hard to explain to people. Gorgeous day. Feeling good, driving to work, and then it comes. Like being enveloped by a dark cloud. No reason. It just comes. Deep down you know it will float away but at that moment you can’t see it.
I avoided seeking therapy again for so long because I didn't want to be that person, again. Jesus. Ugh. THIS again? I exhaust myself. I already Dealt with all that shit. I'm in a different place now! I know myself better now! Starting again felt like it would be such a defeat. Three steps forward, nine steps back. So I pushed it away, I pushed away the gentle nudges from within and from others who love me, all while I was sinking a little lower, spiraling a little more. Until finally one day I knew that I couldn't Not do it. Again.
I'm only a couple sessions in this go-round, but ya know what? That first time I plopped down on her couch and introduced myself did not feel like a defeat after all. It felt like a victory. A tiny victory, but it counts. I'm counting it. It's on the scoreboard. And I hope that's what you felt when you walked in to see that nurse practitioner: Not defeat. Not surrender. Victory.
“It’s like, I can’t hear anything right now.” But we—those of us who read your words every week—we hear you. We’re listening. Falling in line here to say, yeah, I know how heavy the planets in the backpack feel. Falling in line to say how truly wonderful it is that you are seeking help and writing about it. Falling in line to say, no matter how you come to healing, be it through music, essays, poems, random musings, I hope you keep the words coming. I’ll be listening for them.
Fall in line? Sure! All of those things matter! I know because I can relate to 98% of them. I don't have kids or a wife, and I've never been diagnosed, but I sure can identify with those lost and unfocused feelings of why I'm not the person I think I should be. At the same time, compliments and attaboys, " ....all you need to do..." suggestions come flying.
I wake up grateful for another chance everyday, and try to get through it without getting in my own way. I also feel lucky & loved, bit wish I had an operators manual for this being that I am. I'll get through it. This too shall pass. I believe it deep down, but that doesn't mean it's gonna be easy.
Thanks again for your help and stay strong!
PS - I never saw that fat kid, but I have plenty of clothes I'd like to be wearing instead of the sames ones I always where....😉
Part nights backstage when there was only three people in the bar but we still had to go out there.... Eh, speaking as one of the likely three, thank you. Because whatever words we exchanged no doubt helped me right my own ship.
:)
Hey, my man. I’m taking my place in that line of folks who are gonna tell you all the good things. You’re not alone. People are pulling for you. Family, friends, we familiar strangers out here who look forward to your weekly writings/musings/confessions; our weekly communication. Bravo for seeking help. Not enough people do. Maybe they think “well, doesn’t everybody feel like this?” Or maybe they’re ashamed. Or maybe they’re frozen on their anxiety. I’ve been all three places. I’ve blocked anxiety and self-esteem by keeping busybusybusy. Maybe I still am. Looking for validation. “You have to love yourself first”. Right? I don’t even know what that means. I mean, I guess I understand the concept, but… I dunno, maybe that’s part of my fuckedupness. My own abandonment issues loom large in my legend. Years in therapy and a latent ability to self-analyze brought me to that conclusion. But knowing the root doesn’t magically fix everything, does it? Just takes up more space in a cobwebby corner. So, I’m rambling, as I do. Hoping maybe you’ll feel a little less alone with your stuff. Commiserating. I dunno. Kindred-spiriting. Hope yesterday went well for you. Hope today’s going better.
Thanks so much, Tom. You're the man.
Just remember you’re not alone. It’s hard to explain to people. Gorgeous day. Feeling good, driving to work, and then it comes. Like being enveloped by a dark cloud. No reason. It just comes. Deep down you know it will float away but at that moment you can’t see it.
Thanks so much, Lisa. I appreciate this a lot.
I avoided seeking therapy again for so long because I didn't want to be that person, again. Jesus. Ugh. THIS again? I exhaust myself. I already Dealt with all that shit. I'm in a different place now! I know myself better now! Starting again felt like it would be such a defeat. Three steps forward, nine steps back. So I pushed it away, I pushed away the gentle nudges from within and from others who love me, all while I was sinking a little lower, spiraling a little more. Until finally one day I knew that I couldn't Not do it. Again.
I'm only a couple sessions in this go-round, but ya know what? That first time I plopped down on her couch and introduced myself did not feel like a defeat after all. It felt like a victory. A tiny victory, but it counts. I'm counting it. It's on the scoreboard. And I hope that's what you felt when you walked in to see that nurse practitioner: Not defeat. Not surrender. Victory.
Keep swingin'.
You absolutely nailed it, Robyn. Thank you for sharing this. It’s so cool and good/ knowing others are out there in the same proverbial boat as us.
“It’s like, I can’t hear anything right now.” But we—those of us who read your words every week—we hear you. We’re listening. Falling in line here to say, yeah, I know how heavy the planets in the backpack feel. Falling in line to say how truly wonderful it is that you are seeking help and writing about it. Falling in line to say, no matter how you come to healing, be it through music, essays, poems, random musings, I hope you keep the words coming. I’ll be listening for them.
I appreciate your comment, Taryn. It is just a good feeling knowing that others can relate. The best feeling, honestly.
‘It feels like watching the older kids in the backseat on the drive to school’
No advice, just…accurate.
Fall in line? Sure! All of those things matter! I know because I can relate to 98% of them. I don't have kids or a wife, and I've never been diagnosed, but I sure can identify with those lost and unfocused feelings of why I'm not the person I think I should be. At the same time, compliments and attaboys, " ....all you need to do..." suggestions come flying.
I wake up grateful for another chance everyday, and try to get through it without getting in my own way. I also feel lucky & loved, bit wish I had an operators manual for this being that I am. I'll get through it. This too shall pass. I believe it deep down, but that doesn't mean it's gonna be easy.
Thanks again for your help and stay strong!
PS - I never saw that fat kid, but I have plenty of clothes I'd like to be wearing instead of the sames ones I always where....😉